They gathered together, one and all

Within the ancient safety of the village church walls

While outside, in the dark, it rained against the panes

Of the stained glass windows with their pictures of saints

"We have to do something," said gruff Farmer Coyle

"It's gone on long enough," said Old Man Boyle

"It'll be one of us next," said the teacher, "you'll see."

Said Mary McColl, "Why's everyone looking at me?"

"You're a witch, we all know it," someone said from the back

"You've summoned this creature with your almanac."

"It's a Grammarie I use," Mary said, with emotion

"And I only ever use it for making me potions.

"It's that scientist Barton who's created this monster

"With DNA and quantum quarks and wormholes and dark matter!"

Said Barton, "I hate to pull the rug that your theory rests upon

"But I doubt I could do all of that with my single BSc. (Hons).

"It's chemical spillage," he said, "seeping down into the caves,

"Mutating ancient survivals from a prehistoric age."

"Bunkum!" countered Bishop, who ran the local chemist's

"You're just saying that to get me kicked off of my premises!

"No, it's broken out from some millionaire's menagerie,

"Been specially bred from wolves and bears and wildcats for ferocity.

"Was meant to be a guard dog, behind some iron gate.

"Now, it's killed its owner, and it's looking for a mate."

"No, it's one of these to blame that's been to foreign parts,

"Bringing back some Voodoo idol, thinking that it's art."

This was Landlord Croby, who was automatically suspicious

Of anyone who ever holidayed anywhere but Bognor Regis.

"It's Jones," Matilda Lewis said. "Oh, aye, I've got his measure,

"Always up on the moors, out hunting for treasure

"With that damned metal detector, I know it, it's a fact,

"He's unearthed some ancient and accursed artefact."

"I've not unearthed nothing but rusty bed springs,"

Said Jones, "and old tin cans, and that sort of thing.

"If you ask my opinion, it's people dumping rubbish

"That have poisoned this thing's home, and made it so uppish."

"Uppish?" Farmer Coyle said. "Eating all my sheep!

"And killing all my chickens by scaring them in their sleep!

"If you ask me," he said, without a trace of hesitancy,

"It's a freak of nature caused by teenage pregnancy."

Everyone looked at Cindy Queams, who was texting, with her phone

Balanced on her bulging tum. "Oh leave that alone!"

Said her father (the vicar). "You shouldn't be playing with it in church!"

"It's Charlie at the library," she said, "he's been doing some research."

"What's he learned?" said an old lady, with a reverent, wide-eyed look.

"Nothing," Cindy said. "It's all magazines and audiobooks."

Just then, there came a bang, as something hit the door

And then there was a howling, and the scraping of a claw.

"It's here, right outside, at this moment, as we speak!"

"It can't get in, can it?" "I need to take a leak!"

Then all of them fell quiet, and listened to its breathing

As it circled round the old church walls, with no intent of leaving.

"Right," the vicar said, "I think it's time to pray."

"Aah," growled Old Man Boyle, "we'll get nothing done that way!"

He hefted and unzipped a bag, and started producing weapons

"It's these we need, not prayers, if we're really going to get him!"

He handed out a spade, a hoe, a saw, a hammer and chisel

And then, for himself, a shotgun. "If anything works, this'll."

He nodded to Mrs Mawl, who he'd armed with a trowel

"You go first, m'dear. You can use that to disembowel."

"No, no, no," said Dr Mathom, "that's not what we should do.

"Let's capture this unique specimen and put it in a zoo."

"Alright," said Old Man Boyle. "Here's a couple of feet of rope.

"You go out and capture it. You can hitch a shank, I hope?"

"Let's phone the BBC," said Mrs Buckle, with a squeak

"It'll be different from that brouhaha they've been covering all week."

Everyone was excited. This seemed to be the answer.

The vicar went to borrow the mobile phone off his daughter.

Then Farmer Coyle said, "Of course, they'll want to ask us questions."

"We'll need to get our story straight," said Mrs Brumley-Heston.

"Like who and what's the cause of this," said Mr Ackerley.

Said Mary McColl, "Why's everyone looking at me?"